Posted by: Kevin | October 7, 2006

90210 – The Episode Where Somebody Dies!

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Season 2 Episode 14 (thanks IMDB), titled “The Next 50 Years”.  This episode aired in 1991 and I was 16 years old.  It’s important to remember that at this time 9’er was huge.  Everyone tuned in, even wannabe tough guy hockey players like myself.  I watched it, I loved it and I hated myself for loving it. 

So when Fox starting hyping this episode as the one where somebody died, I got very excited.  By this time I had come to loathe 3 characters especially.  The first was Andrea because 35 year olds who look like 35 years old shouldn’t be allowed to play high school kids on TV.  The second was Steve, who was just a weak “nice-guy” reflection of every Billy Zabka character from the 80’s.  Last but not least was David, who in season two was just plain obnoxious. 

Naturally, I assumed/hoped that one or all three of these characters would die.  I even diagramed it out how they would kill each other in a suicide pact involving axes. 

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Not my finest work but you get the idea

They would need a great deal of precision to make sure they each struck at the same time with the required amount of force.  So the whole episode would revolve around the three of them preparing for their triple suicide while hiding their intentions from the rest of the gang.

Here’s a sampling of how the dialogue should have gone:
Brandon  “Hey Steve-O, you know we’re like, in Southern California, why have you been chopping wood all week”
Steve  “I’m um… doing this to get in shape.  That’s it, I think if I toughen up my image with the whole lumberjack thing I could win back Kelly.  Why doesn’t she care about me anymore?” <Steve begins weeping>
Brandon , “Ok, so what’s your excuse David?”
David  “Kelly keeps making fun of how scrawny I am and Donna wont even kiss me yet.  I’m going to show them.  I’ll show you all”
Brandon  ”Weren’t you a secondary character last season David?  Why do I have to pretend you’re cool now?  Andrea, will I see you at the school newspaper later or are you going to play lumberjack all day too?” <cheesy fake chuckle>
Andrea  “Why won’t you sleep with me?  Is it because I’m actually 40?  Is that it?  You quasi-mullet headed bastard!!” <Andrea begins swinging her ax with even more vigor>

This was in the days before Columbine, when it was possible to think about these things without getting expelled and sent to a psychiatrist. 

Needless to say, my disappointment with the actual show was beyond the power of words to describe.  Not only were my three least favorite characters left alive, they actually brought back a bit character from the first season just to kill him.  It was so absurdly predictable. 

Me  “Oh look they brought back Scott just in time for the episode where somebody dies.
Fiction Person I made up for the purpose of writing this dialogue (FPIMUFTPOWTD)  ”Wait a second, does this mean what I think it means?”
Me  “That Scott will be perpetrating a horrific massacre”
FPIMUFTPOWTD  “No dumb ass, they’re going to kill Scott”
Me  “Nooooooooooo, It cant be!!”
FPIMUFTPOWTD (whispered)  “Shithead”

I guess I should thank Aaron Spelling.  The killing of bit player Scott would help to end my unnatural affection for this show.  It made for a quick clean break.  My siblings continued to watch the show week after week but I was freed to watch with a detached air of cynicism.  I could appreciate the show for its unintentional comedy and incredibly cheesy dialogue.  And I owe it all to Bit Player Scott.

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A true hero

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