Posted by: Kevin | June 15, 2007

Driver’s Ed

In light of some recent fun and excitement I experienced on the road, I thought I’d put together a quick driver’s education test.  After all, it’s never too late to evaluate your performance as a driver and I’m a big believer in life-long learning.

Question 1:  You’ve just pulled unto a major highway when you realize “Oh Shit!  I’m going the wrong way on this highway!  I was supposed to take the East exit!”  What do you do?

A – Suck it up and travel to the next exit and turn around there.  You’ll lose time but it’s the safest way to do it.

B – Look for one of those cut through deals where you can do a U-turn and get on the East-bound side of the highway.  It’s not legal and it’s riskier but you’re in a hurry, damn it!

C – Pull into the breakdown land and throw it in reverse.  You can back up to the exit, it’ll be just like hitting the reset button.  Sure you’ve now dramatically increased your odds of becoming a traffic fatality but it involves less thinking and patience than options A and B

Question 2:  You’re in the left of three westbound traffic lanes on a major interstate.  Your lane will be ending in roughly 1,000 yards and you need to merge right.  In the right lane about 50-60 yards in front of you is a minivan going ~75 mph.  The speed limit is 65.  Do you:

A – Merge right behind the minivan, it’s not like 75 is slow and you can always pass him on the right later if he doesn’t get out of the way.

B – Gun it to about 85 – 90 mph, pass the minivan and merge in front of him.  Slight risk of a ticket but you like going fast and it’ll impress your girlfriend in the passenger seat.  Who wants to be stuck behind a minivan anyway?

C – Drive about ~ 78 mph, just fast enough to put you right next to the minivan when your lane ends.  They will sense your strength and resolve and get out of the lane.  Although this dramatically increases your change of running off the road it gives you the opportunity to intimidate the driver of the minivan.  Everyone knows minivan drivers are pussies.

Question 3:  You’re driving a large camper with your car on a trailer behind you.  You’re faced with a situation where you’re going to have to make a left turn on a four lane highway.  At the traffic light where you’re going to make this turn do you:

A – Use the left turn lane.  You’ll have to wait for a break in the left turners coming the other way so you can make your turn.  This will piss the people behind you off a little but what can you do?

B – Put the hazard on so people know you’re going to cause problems and use the lane next to the left turn lane.  You’ll be blocking some more traffic but you’ll be able to make your turn easier and people will know to go around you because you used your hazards.

C – Stop in the right lane of traffic.  This will piss off everyone behind you since you didn’t warn them.  Also, because everyone is working to get by you on your left, you’ll have to wait for a traffic break on both sides to make your move.  Everyone behind you now wishes death and dismemberment upon you.

Question 4:  You’re on a relatively open stretch of road and you’re going pretty fast.  In front of you in the left lane is a minivan going about 75 mph (speed limit is 65).  Do you:

A – Slow down a little as you come up behind the minivan, they’ll move out of your way soon enough.

A(2) – Pass on the right, there’s plenty of room and this way you don’t need to wait to the distracted driver of the kid mobile to notice you and move over.

C – Approach at top speed until you are literally on the minivan’s bumper.  That’ll teach the asshole.  There’s no way they’d retaliate by slowing down to 45 or so.

Now for scoring, for every A you choose take 1 point, for every B you choose take 2 points and for every C you choose find someone who will stab you with a screw driver and ask them to do so.   Also take 10 points.  Now let’s evaluate your score.

4 – 7: Congratulations!  You’ve passed!  You’re no shittier than the average driver on the road and significantly better than some.

Anything higher:  To score higher in this test you had to have chosen C in one of the questions above.  A few words of advice:  Lead paint is not a food group, your life doesn’t come with a reset or a reload button and please do the rest of us a favor and don’t breed.

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