Posted by: Kevin | July 23, 2008

To All of You Who Market Cutsie Characters to My Children

Burn in the fiery chasms of hell!

From the Wall Street Journal:

For children’s parties, many companies around the country provide costumed characters popular with kids…In recent years, corporations that own the rights to some of the more popular characters…have sent cease-and-desist letters, threatened lawsuits and in some cases received settlements from companies that market unauthorized character impersonators.

So some hole in the wall family entertainment company, you know the ones in the mall that are constantly going out of business, represents a huge threat to these huge corporations.  Why, you ask?

Attorneys note that if they do not actively police their trademarks in one realm, a court might later rule that they have forfeited their rights to enforce it in others.

Whatever else they might say; this is what it boils down to.  These companies are protecting their right to shove Dora the F(uck)ing Explorer down your throat at every goddamn opportunity and profit from it.  So every time your kid gets you to buy the Dora box of Mac n’ Cheese or the Disney Princess can of Pringles, they make more money.  That’s it, if they cared about brand integrity or any of that other shit, they wouldn’t put Thomas the Train anywhere near my kid’s underwear.

Meanwhile they won’t even offer the services that these parents are looking for:

Dan Martinsen, a spokesman for Nickelodeon, says that while the company doesn’t offer walk-about characters for birthday parties, it does send such characters on national tours and sells tickets to see them.

So to the kid in East Bum Fuck who loves Diego because it is literally impossible to escape these characters if you’re watching any channel other than Spice, well it sucks to be you doesn’t it.

Fear not though because I’m offering a solution, a new branded character for the average American. 

That’s right kids it’s the ANGRY AMOEBA!!! 

He’s foul mouthed spirited, He drinks heavily ‘s jolly and he’s here to spread diseases happiness.

And parents, if you want someone to dress up as the Angry Amoeba and swear at your kids, raid your liquor cabinet and stink up your bathroom (cause that’s how the Amoeba rolls) be my guest.  Hell, if your liquor cabinet is well stocked enough and you don’t live too far away, I’ll put the damn costume on myself.  In the meantime, I’m going to use google image search and photoshope to compromise some brand integrity.

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