Posted by: Kevin | November 17, 2009

In Which I Subject Myself to Reading Twilight

I considered writing a complete takedown of Stephanie Meyer’s Twilight but upon further review, I’m going to hold my fire.  It’s no worse than most books marketed to the teen crowd and while I found the main characters highly unsympathetic, the book wasn’t written for married 34 year old males.  So I’m going to focus on the two aspects of Twilight that really piss me off. 

First, is the idea that Edward and Bella are some kind of iconic love story.  Iconic?  Really?  A sun and personality averse 17 year old and an angst ridden sparkly vampire are all it take for a fucking iconic romance!?! 

Let’s review the facts.  Our heroine is not very social and has a generally bad attitude (“Boo Hoo, it’s raining”).  Our hero is aloof, equally anti-social and arrogant.  I guess in that sense they’re a good match for each other.  Any normal person would quickly look past the comely exterior and get sick of them. 

So Edward falls head over heels for Bella because she smells good and very likely tastes good.  Bella falls for Edward because he’s handsome and puts off massive creepy stalker waves.  All right whatever, they’re in love.  Good for them.  I still don’t give a shit. 

That’s far from the most irritating aspect of this story.  The most disturbing aspect of Twilight is its place in the continued wussification of vampires.  Gone are the blood thirsty, yet suave, creatures of the night I grew up with, to be replaced by a bunch of sniveling, tortured souls. 

They’re so sad you see, because they just want to be human.  Sure they have immortality, super strength and speed, amazing good looks and fabulous hair.  It’s all so painful for them though, because they’d really rather be human.  They miss all the pissing, farting and shitting that comes with humanity I guess.

I blame Ann Rice for all of this.  The vampire with a tortured soul existed prior to her writing, Strahd being one of my favorites.  They were always cut off from humanity, though and their souls stayed tortured.  Interview with a Vampire changed that.  The vampire could now mingle with humanity. Suddenly, not only could vampires be portrayed in a sympathetic light, they could be the good guys.

So Ann Rice started with Louis, a nice tortured soul who wasn’t quite a good guy.  Then she moved on to Lestat and turned her charming, bisexual vampires into a franchise.  Now it seems like that’s all popular culture is allowed to produce.  Stephanie Meyer’s Edward is just the logical end to this trend.  Sure, he’s more like Count Chocula than Dracula, but he still thinks blood is tasty and he’s so dreamy.

The point is this, there’s more to being a vampire than drinking blood.  It’s a curse and curses are supposed to suck, not make you the prom king.

You want iconic romance, I give you test tube baby romance. 
Massive Attack – Special Cases

Just came across this video and thought it was awesome.
Massive Attack – Live with Me

More Iconic Romance in video form

Brilliant comic related to Twilight



  1. Oh my goodness….my sentiments exactly. I also have not read these books, probably because my friends 13 year old daughter went absolutly nuts over this series a year ago…and went on for hrs telling every trivial nuance of the story.

    I found your blog because both of our stories came up on WP blogs regarding Twighlight.

    Mine is based mostly on the fact that I have written for the last 25 years of my life – and now am blessed with being semi-retired and now have the time to write full time – and this Stephanie chick – nothing against her she seems alright and nice…just popped this thing out of her head.

    I almost find it hard to believe!!!! I wonder if anyone or her editor has ever looked for a story that runs parallel to this…o.k. now I am just being a jealous bitch 😉

    But I agree with you….what is the point? These guys do not even have pointy teeth for F*** sakes!!!!

    And seriously…like you said, they have looks, money, intelligence and imortality…and for this they are filled with AGNST???? Please…someone BITE ME!!

    I mean the only thing that use to turn me off of being a vampire myself was the sleeping in a coffin and dirty nails & bad breath!! (cause I had to claw my way out & eat old rats when in a pinch)

    Anyways I enjoy your blog immensly and if you don’t mind I have added it to my blog roll…as I want others who visit my shabby little scribblings to have the opportunity to enjoy you as well..

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